


Whispers of the Past

by orphan_account



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Spoilers for Episode: Putting Others First - Selfishness v. Selflessness Redux | Sanders Sides, Sympathetic Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders, Sympathetic Deceit | Janus Sanders
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-24
Updated: 2020-09-04
Packaged: 2021-03-06 20:55:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,698
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26085301
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Set during Putting Others First - Selfishness v. Selflessness Redux. Virgil is having a panic attack because of what is happening but he doesn't want to show up because he's afraid how Thomas will react (as he revealed that he was a dark side). This is working of the basis that Janus and Remus are the one that helped Virgil in the past with panic attacks. Janus comes to help Virgil as everyone else is busy with Thomas.
Kudos: 41





	1. Virgil Reconciles with his Past.

**Author's Note:**

> Sequel coming soon, leave a comment for any ideas or to share your opinion of it. Subscribe to be notified when the next part is out.
> 
> Edit: Hey people, sequel is in the works. To help me out give me some truth or dare ideas for Virgil and Remus in the comments section. Should be out by Sunday. See ya!

Virgil was sitting on the stairs. His hands were pulled into his patchwork hoodie sleeves and his hood was pulled up. Head rested on his knees, tears fell as teeth were grinded. "In for four, hold for seven, exhale for eight." Is what could be heard in between gasps, repeated over and over.

Hoodie covered hands were over his ears, like a flimsy barrier against the chaos raging outside. Virgil rocked on the stairs, sobbing. Repeating the instructions for his breathing technique over and over, without putting it into action. His thoughts were too scattered to actually do it.

"Virgil."

His eyes shot wide; his sobs fell silent and his already heightened pulse quickened. It always happened when he came. "Get out." Virgil whispered, throat too sore to speak louder.

"Oh I'm _so_ sorry, of _course_ you want to be left alone while having a crisis. How _silly_ of me to think that you couldn't handle yourself, since your already doing _such_ a _good_ job."

Virgil hated him. Hated for what he stood for. Hated that he was a reminder of his past. 'It wasn't all bad, ' a voice whispered; he didn't want to remember though. All the times he wasn't with Patton to comfort him; wasn't with Logan to reason with him and bring him back to reality; wasn't with Roman to make him smile after. He didn't want to remember when Janus and Remus were the only ones there. 

"I'm sorry. I came to help and instead I'm mocking you. That one is true."

Janus stood in the middle of Virgil's room which was currently in the form of Thomas's living room. Thomas. Virgil started breathing at a quickened pace, eyes darting everywhere; everywhere apart from Janus. He never looked anyone in the eye when he was this vulnerable. Janus sighed as he looked upon the side whom he had grown up with, whom he had helped in the past with panic attacks just like this one and some that weren't just as bad. He walked over to him. 

"Don't!" Virgil exclaimed, it sounded like he was after being strangled. The coughing and sobbing started after that. He tried to move away but just fell where he was and curled up. Janus didn't heed the command and continued to walk over. He knelt down to be at Virgil's eye level. A lot of good it did since his head was buried in his knees again. Janus placed a hand on Virgil's shoulder. It was shaking with the rest of his body in time with the sobs. He flinched at the contact but couldn't move; he was too weak from crying. 

"What I'm about to say is all true Virgil." He told him, without the sarcastic and mocking undertone he usually deployed. "I'm here to help you, I'm here to tell you that out of all of us you were the bravest." Virgil looked up, his eye shadow running and smudged, he looked more like a racoon than ever. Janus smirked and took a tissue from his pocket to offer the side. Virgil accepted, albeit reluctantly.

"You were the bravest because you changed." Janus' voice caught at the end, he swallowed and continued. "You broke through everyone's expectations and although your name was mud to them in the beginning, now they treat it as gold." He said "them" with a lot less poison than when he usually talked about the Light Sides.

"I'm sorry for all that I've done to hurt Thomas and the others. I'm sorry for making this situation occur, although I believe it must occur to bring Thomas to a stable point. I'm going to go now and help them; I have asked Logan to hang back so I can impersonate him. I also told him to stay away from you as he doesn't know how to handle emotions, his own included. He was getting distressed that they weren't listening to him."

" Do you remember what Remus and I used to do?" He asked softly." I would stabilise you and he would distract you while I solved the issue. Well, I may have asked him to come here. He'll help you." He finished with a smirk because he could see that he had indeed helped, although the start was rocky. 

Virgil realised that during Janus' monologue his breathing pattern had returned to normal and he was looking Janus in the eye. In other words he was stabilised. "They won't accept you at first, they didn't with me." He said with a hoarse voice, he coughed slightly and Janus conjured a glass of water. "Thanks." He said after a lengthy gulp. 

"You're _not_ welcome." Janus replied. 

The past that he had tried so hard to forget came back to him when he saw either Janus or Remus. He didn't want to be part of it anymore however here he was, in a similar situation that he had been in for years before he was accepted by the others. He no longer felt worried to see Janus or Remus because memories of what it was like to be with them came flooding back... and not all of them were bad, maybe even good. "The honesty lasted _soo_ long." Virgil teased bring back echos of times where he did this to Janus. 

"I'm still getting used to it." He looked down at his shoes and continued. "I'm aware of the issue of trust," he said rolling his eyes, "however I'm willing to work for it." 

"Then that'll be enough." Virgil reassured him. 

" I HAVE RAN OUT OF DEODORANT AND I AM NOW BORED!!!" A voice rang out. Virgil smirked at Remus, a source of entertainment when you weren't his target and the bane of your existence when you were. 

Janus sighed. "Perfect timing, Remus." He said whilst getting up. He started to walk over to the weird man. 

_"Deedee!"_ Remus exclaimed with delight. He ran to the side and hugged him knocking his bowler hat askew. Seeing the antics of the two caused Virgil to smile and even laugh a bit. Janus smiled and patted Remus on the back. He learned that turning away the affection left Remus more energy to distract, annoy and generally just be a pest to Janus. 

"You saw me two minutes a..." Janus sighed and shook his head. He gave up reasoning with creativity almost as quickly as Logan realised it was impossible to stop Roman singing Disney songs. Patton conjures noise-cancelling headphones for the logical side each time he has a big project to do. 

"Ahoy, Virgil!" Remus exclaimed in a pirate outfit as he jumped from Janus and crouched by the other side. 

"Hey." Virgil said while smiling at the parrot teddy Remus had taped to his shoulder. 

Janus fixed his bowler hat and looked at the two while wearing a worried expression. He didn't know what would happen if he didn't get up there soon yet he didn't want to go. He was afraid, afraid of rejection. Although he wouldn't admit it to anyone. "Not that I wouldn't love to stay and watch the chaos unfold but I have business else where. I'll be back soon. Remus?" He looked up from beside Virgil, now dressed as Elvis Presley (his parrot was wearing a black wig and holding a small microphone) "Just keep him occupied," he said, too used to Remus to make a comment on his attire. With that he sunk out, leaving Virgil with the maniac whom he had been stuck with for three years. He smirked as he changed his appearance. It was time for Virgil to get a dose of being alone with Remus. 


	2. Confronting the Past

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Virgil and Remus play a game to distract from the mayhem going on during Selfishness vs Selflessness Redux. As they play, however, Remus starts to get overwhelmed because of the past. He confronts Virgil with a question he had asked to himself and Janus for three years, why did Virgil leave?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There! It's here! Sorry but it's here! There will be a third installment in the series then it will be drawn to an end. The third chapter is more like a short sequel where as this is the end of the main story. Enjoy! Leave any feedback.

Virgil wanted to help Janus however Remus refused. "I was told by Supreme Commander Deedee the snake to keep you occupied. I shall not be disobeying him today." He said as he marched back and forth across Virgil's room. Remus now wore an army uniform with a plastic rifle slung across his back and black war paint smeared on his face. His parrot wore a small green helmet and carried a stick in a holster.

Virgil sighed in defeat. He had cried to the point where he was too tired to argue that Remus loved disobeying just about anybody. "Fine then, what are we doing?" He enquired.

Remus stopped marching and jumped up. When he landed he was in his normal outfit and the parrot was gone. Although it was just a teddy Virgil was a bit upset that it left. "What about..."

Remus started, his hand stroking a grey beard that could rival Dumbledore's, "TWISTER!" Remus shrieked in delight (causing Virgil to jump a foot in the air; surprising considering that he had been beside Logan for nearly everyone of his "FALSEHOOD!"s).

"Seriously?" He said with an amused expression on his face. "The great Duke himself; master of all things gorey and horrifying; basically Joan with no filter," he said whilst waving his arms in a theatrical fashion, "can only come up with Twister?" he finished with a smirk.

"Oh, it's not just any twister," Remus replied with a mischievous grin, "it is Twister: Truth or..." suddenly a stage rose from the ground with glowing, multi-coloured neon lasers, a microphone had appeared in Remus' hand and amps nearly the height of Virgil's room stood at either side of him, "DAREEEEE!!!" Remus finished. With a click of his fingers the the stage and technical equipment vanished.

Virgil sat on the stairs looking as though he had been through five "FALSEHOOD!"s at once. He regained his composure; rubbed his temples; closed his eyes and silently apologised to Janus for leaving him with Remus whilst also cursing him for making Virgil go through this. "Let's get this trainwreck over with. I assume you'll have your own dystopian mind space for this mess." He accepted his fate. 

When Virgil opened his eyes the TV was on and displaying a scoreboard; a speaker was playing My Chemical Romance; a plastic sheet with four columns of green, yellow, blue and red in rows of six was spread on the ground; a spinner divided in to halves (one having the four different colours and the other with black and white) sat beside it and a table was set up with drinks and snacks.

Remus looked at Virgil's face with a grin, he sat open mouth with arms dangling in his lap; wide eyes taking in his room; eyebrow raising to the bottom of his bangs. "Wow," was all he could manage. 

Remus enjoyed inspiring shock and disbelief in others, it meant he exceeded their expectations. "Shall we begin?" He asked playfully. 

Virgil regained his composure, something he found himself doing a lot when Remus was around, and stood up from the stairs with a smirk on his face. "Sure. Since this is your game I am scared to hear the rules." He admitted hesitantly. 

"They're easy. The two hands move automatically and randomly (like my mouth) and one hand picks a colour while the other picks truth or dare. White is truth and black is dare. The first person to reach fifteen points wins. If someone either falls, doesn't answer a question or is unable, or unwilling, to fulfill a dare they lose and the game goes to the other side.. UGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH! I sounded so much like Logan! Ugh! I want to put my teeth up my own nostrils!" Remus said whilst over reacting. 

"No one is stopping you..." Virgil barely finished his sentence before Remus decided to be disgusting and put his two front teeth in his nostrils. Virgil stared open mouthed, one eye started to twitch. Janus lasted three years yet Virgil couldn't last three minutes at this rate. 

"I should've put hith nipplth up hith nothe inthead of hith teeth. It would have been a lot less comfortable." Remus lisped half way as he put his teeth back for the rest. "Now then, let the games begin!" He exclaimed while dressed in Effie Trinket's pink wig and outfit. The parrot was now spray painted gold and wore a look remarkably like hatred directed at Remus. 

The TV suddenly showed Virgil's logo and the spinner started spinning. "Ooh, left hand red and a truth!" Remus announced, now back in his normal outfit. As Virgil placed his hand he found he couldn't lift it up. 

"Remus! What the hell?!" He shouted with a look of panic, his voice deepening as anxiety took over. 

For a split second Remus looked concerned and caring. Then he went back to looking like a jack ass. "Oopsie doodles! I forgot to say you can't move from the sheet when you place part of your body unless I say. Don't worry," he continued seeing Virgil's expression still look uneasy. "You can quit anytime and you get to do the same for me. BTdubbs, you can still slip and slide on the sheet." Virgil relaxed and felt his breathing and pulse return to normal. "For your truth I shall ask... If you had to choose to throw a glass of water over Patton or ripping up a copy of The Murder of Roger Ackroyd in front of Logan which would you choose?" Remus said in a sing-song voice. 

Virgil pondered a moment before saying "Throwing water over Patton - wait, wait!" he said hurriedly at the shocked gasp from Remus. "I could say water fight, throw it over him and then we would all crack up Logan because he would be trying to restore order while getting soaked."

Remus looked disappointed. "I though that would be harder... Oh well. Point to Virgie (who did not like his nickname) my turn!" and on they played for a while. 

Remus almost lost when Virgil dared him not to do anything random or repulsive for the next five minutes and Virgil almost broke when he had to admit he sung Sia songs. They continued like there was nothing wrong. There was no fight going on outside. Thomas wasn't in danger. Janus and Roman were getting along and Patton didn't feel conflicted. At least that was how it felt to them. 

They played and laughed and joked and teased. However, shadows lurk behind corners. Imagine that the time you spend talking and interacting with someone is like going for a walk with them through your mind. The longer you walk the more corners you are going to find. With the corners come the shadows. Maybe you can just set the shadows aside for a while but eventually, when you've came across so many, shadows are all the person sees. Or in this case the side sees. 

Virgil had his experience with shadows when he had his panic attack so he has very little now, due to Janus' and Remus' help. But who's to say Remus doesn't have any? As they played twister memories weren't just coming back to Virgil. They were also coming back to Remus. Tears started to build, his throat started to close and when he looked at Virgil smiling at him and laughing... He wished that he wasn't there? Why? Well, read on. 

The scoreboard read 11 to 10. Virgil was in the lead. Despite his attempts to come across as not caring about competitions and the like and only liked to boast to annoy the others ("Chalk one up for me." "That isn't a straight answer! Well are you going to answer a question honestly?") he was actually quite competitive. Right now he was revelling in his victory. Remus was about to bring him down: both his score and his mood. 

"Alright, Virgil." Remus said without his usual upbeat voice and the glint of mischief in his eye. He looked quite subdued. "Um, left foot yellow and truth." He said looking at the spinner.

"Ugh, I doubt the human body is meant to twist like this." He said while laughing and grinding his teeth slightly. He really was far too competitive. "Ha, what's wrong Rem? Scared you're gonna lose? You look like Roman's big head dented your morning star." He asked Remus. Concern stole over his features as he saw Remus was no longer smiling and was looking at the floor. The glare of the TV was reflected in his eyes. Virgil let out a nervous laugh. "So Rem, Master of Destruction, what's my truth? 

Remus didn't know how to respond. He wanted to leave the game. He wanted to leave Virgil's room. Too many memories clouded his mind. It hurt him worse than any physical wound ever could. He wanted Janus to hold him like he did while he was curled up on his bed crying because of a dream, or maybe because he couldn't sleep because of the thoughts in his head. He didn't want to be by the side that made him hurt so bad.

"Remus?" A voice said. It seemed far away because of the fog clouding his brain. He hadn't realised Virgil was calling him. He looked at Virgil. He looked like he had been trying to get up because the plastic sheet was creased and tugged. "Remus, you OK? You wanna talk? I can get Patton, he's good with... Oh right, he's with the others. Logan might be able to help. There is an equal chance he could run away screaming from all the emo-"

"Why'd you leave?"

Tears fell from his eyes. His voice cracked as he asked the question. Hands were balled in to fists. He was shaking, his fringe coming lose. It hung over his eyes like a tattered curtain hanging over a window during an apocalypse; not totally hiding the sorrow and ruin from the viewer, just obstructing it. He grounded his teeth to hold back the sobs. Sobs accumulated over three years, some shared with Janus.

Virgil's face fell. He looked at Remus. "What?"

"That's your question." Determination in every line of his body. He was getting an answer.

Suddenly Virgil lost his grip and fell flat on his back, he groaned as he hit the sheet body spread out twisting and stretching. Suddenly "We are the Champions" by Queen started to play and the TV flashed Remus' logo. Remus stood up and clicked his fingers, everything he added to Virgil's room was gone and was replaced with an eerie silence.

Virgil, now sitting upright on the floor, looked at Remus through his bangs. He'd never seen him like this. He didn't know he cared. "I'm not an-"

"YOU OWE ME THAT!" Remus screamed. He let go off the sobs. They shook his entire body and he fell to his knees. He buried his face in his hands and curled in on himself. The sobs were loud and chaotic, yet for Remus they didn't suit his character. They didn't suit the laughter he usually displayed. They didn't suit the glint of mischief in his eye when he made Janus lose it. They didn't suit him.

Virgil stared. Some may think he was angry at Remus for asking such a stupid question. These were the people that assumed Remus and Janus had been horrible to him, invoking anxiety attacks, making him depressed and miserable his entire life. These are the people that think that Remus and Janus had been monsters to Virgil. These are the people that are wrong.

Virgil didn't feel angry he felt ashamed. He felt ashamed of how he had cut them out of his life, after many nights where they stayed up with him until three in the morning because he had insomnia. After all the times that Roman had caused him to feel worthless and a burden on everyone they were the only ones that were there to lift him out of his depression. After finding him crying in his room, screaming at himself to stop hurting Thomas, they were the ones to comfort him. Who told him that Thomas needed him as much as they did. They were his first family.

Virgil burned with shame as he remembered the arguments they had leading up to him leaving. How he protected the light sides against them even though the light sides had been the ones to cut them out. Virgil burned at shame remembering the last thing he had said to their faces before he left.

"They're right about you! You're both evil! I don't want anything more to do with either of you !"

Virgil started to cry. They weren't evil, he wasn't evil either. The light sides, especially Roman, saw them as evil, however, which is why Thomas believes they are. Virgil was the one that probably made Janus and Remus the way they were. 

Janus started to get Thomas to lie so that Virgil wouldn't have to deal with the anxiety of socialising at big parties. He got Thomas to lie about himself, or at least hide the truth, from others so Virgil wouldn't have to worry about them using the information against Thomas. Janus got Thomas to lie to protect both him and Virgil from others. Then Virgil realised that some people weren't so bad, like Joan and Talyn. Janus allowed Thomas to tell the truth more to find the right type of people that wouldn't hurt him. Any time it didn't work out Janus was always the one there holding Virgil always whispering, "Maybe next time."

Remus imagined all sorts of things that could go wrong for Virgil. That sounds like a bad thing but if Remus wasn't able to come up with something that could go wrong Virgil relaxed. When he did find things that could go wrong he helped Virgil to think of something to say or do to protect Thomas. Any time Virgil was starting to get overwhelmed Remus was always there, cooking up a plan and Janus was in the background stopping Remus from getting Thomas threw in jail.

They only started acting out when Virgil left.

Janus started to make Virgil feel panic attacks if Thomas ever lied as Remus was there, imagining what could go wrong, not giving any hint that it could go right. But Virgil deserved it, he knew he deserved it. He knew he deserved it because they didn't deserve what he did, what he said. Virgil didn't deserve them, who came to help him when no one else was there. Virgil didn't deserve Janus, he didn't deserve Remus and he didn't deserve Remus' tears.

Sniffles replaced Remus' sobbing as he was exhausted. He was rocking back and forth, hugging himself tighter and tighter. Virgil crawled over and hugged him. Remus hugged back. He uncurled to bring himself closer to Virgil, burying his face in his neck. Virgil mouth was dry and his lips chapped yet he opened he breathed in a deep breath and prepared himself to speak.

"I left," he started with a croaky voice "for multiple reasons." Remus buried deeper in his neck, breathing deeply; he was so tired. "None of them were because of anything you and Janus did." Virgil was still crying, his tears fell on to Remus' hair. Remus' shaking had subsided with his sobs, he now lay very still against Virgil as though asleep.

Virgil continued speaking in a shaky voice. " You and Janus helped me so much and I threw that away because of my own insecurities. I though that if I was with you and Janus then the others wouldn't trust me. If Thomas ever found out then..." Virgil started taking shaky breaths, realising that now Thomas did know. He pushed the thought out of his mind, he shouldn't be worried about himself right now.

"Remus, I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have left you or Janus. I'm so sorry!" Virgil started to sob, his entire body shook, he hated himself so much for what he had made Janus and Remus go through. Remus had unwrapped himself from Virgil and hugged him, his crying subsided within a couple minutes and he looked at Remus with red, puffy eyes.

"Let's go lie down." Remus said weakly, brushing Virgil's bangs out of his eyes. Virgil nodded. Remus supported him as they went to the sofa and lied down, Virgil lying on Remus' chest with his arms wrapped around him. They both fell into a deep sleep.

Janus appeared a while later looking at the two on the sofa. He left as they were, sinking out briefly to grab a book, then coming back and sinking in to an arm chair starting to read, feeling peace restored among the small group. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my gosh! Very tense moment before this was posted. I write the stories in my note pad on my phone and because I had exceeded the word count I had to write it in two parts. I accidentally deleted the first part! I was very lucky though because I had already copied the first part to my clipboard.


	3. A Rewrite of the Past

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Roman shows up in Virgil's room seeking comfort.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a small sequel that I thought would tie in nicely with an episode of Sanders Sides where Virgil was annoyed at Thomas and talking to Roman about it.

**Taking on Anxiety with Lilly Singh end card**

_Virgil: He thinks he’s so great. Well, he is not! Look, I’m just trying to look out for him. Yeah, he was invited to a couple parties. If I wasn’t there to convince him not to go, who knows what bad things could have happened._

_Roman: Yeah, he might have had to talk to some people, dance ridiculously, and have a fun night._

_Virgil: Yeah. Wait, what?_

_Roman: I don’t like you._

_Virgil: You’re just mad because I just came from a My Chemical Romance concert._

Janus was just finishing the chapter he was reading when he heard a sob behind him. Startled, he jumped out of the armchair and turned to see a tear-streaked Roman standing there. "Why are you in here?" he said with a choked voice. Janus looked at him and then glanced at the sleeping Virgil and Remus; he wasn't sure what to do. 

Roman saw the glance and looked for the first time at the sofa where Virgil and Remus lay sleeping together. A look of fury was displayed on Roman's face. He started towards Remus and Virgil with fists clenched when Janus stood between Roman and the sleeping pair. 

"Allow me, Roman." Janus said, meeting Roman's rage with calm. He walked over to Remus and gently shook his shoulder. "Remus, we have to leave." He said gently.

Remus stirred, saw Virgil sleeping peacefully and went back to sleep. Janus shook his head with a small smile. "Remus, wake up you Freddy Mercury and Bin Man fusion!" he said more forcefully lightly slapping his head.

"Hey! Why'd you do that for!? I was having a nice sleep! Plus, Virgie is sleeping so shut it!" His words were angry however he sounded playful and he was grinning with a glint of mischief in his eyes. It was obvious reconciling with Virgil had improved his mood greatly.

Virgil started to stir and looked up at Janus and Remus through his bangs. "Now that we're family again am I ever gonna have a peaceful rest?" Virgil asked sleepily

"Not a chance, Virgie!" Remus said while ruffling his hair.

"How many times do I have to tell you not to call me that!? And stop messing up my bangs!" Virgil replied sulkily. Janus smiled at the scene of Remus torturing Virgil (he'd had his fair share so now it was Virgil's turn) but he remembered that Roman was also surveying the scene. With a sigh Janus explained they had to go in an undertone to Remus and Virgil.

Remus looked at Roman with a small, reassuring smile and opened his mouth to talk but Janus put a hand on his shoulder and shook his head. With a small wave to Virgil both Janus, with his book, and Remus sunk out. This left a tear-stained Roman with a confused Virgil.

"Roman, wh- what's going on? I was sleeping, I'm not sure what's been happening." Virgil said apologetically.

Roman looked at Virgil and in a strained voice said "Remember when you were talking to me about Thomas ages ago, about him not listening to you?"

"Yeah, I do. Why?" Virgil asked with increasing worry.

"I need someone to listen to me. I- I don't think I'm Thomas' hero any more." With that Roman started to sob. He started to fall to his knees but Virgil ran forward and caught him. He brought him to the sofa where they sat down. Virgil took his hoodie off and wrapped Roman in his hoodie. They talked about all that had happened until Roman had cried to the point of exhaustion, he then slept with Virgil beside him, not leaving his side the entire time. 


End file.
